Here’s the beautiful thing, though. I am not beyond repair. I am not. And though I continue to fall, I will not allow my heart to be taken from me. Because there is a Love more powerful than all things within me and no weapon forged against me will remain.
I know there are some sins I may fight my whole life. But as long as my soul continues fighting, I am living in Christ.
find faith in life, in whatever will keep you believing that we are not meaningless. retain what you have learned because love is an endless wonder. it’s a never-ending knowledge - this is our only solution. i believe that we are not meaningless
and if you listen you can hear the whole earth whispering that it longs to be made new. and my heart, my own heart cannot wait for liberation. my heart’s eye has caught fleeting glimpses of Hope and i cannot wait for the day when the glimpse will swell and harmonize into eternity.
i am so thankful that i have people in my life to tell me when i could be making better decisions, who speak the truth in overwhelming love and encouragement. who remind me that i am not my own, but that i was bought with a price.
ultimately it is not this choice nor that choice that makes the difference, but rather it is that i am glorifying the heart of God with whatever decisions i make.
if i share my heart with another it must only be for His glory. and now comes the hard part: is it?
I have a new heart, and it only hurts because I can’t turn it back into stone. I cannot reverse what He has done. Because He is faithful, even when I am not. I know where I belong, and who I belong to. And I cannot, with no pleas or tries or steps backwards reverse that truth. I’ve fought the fight already. I’m already free. And I have the scars to prove it.
a couple days ago i wrote about an experience i’d had at the beginning of the summer, how i repressed the memory and how i am now trying to deal with it after remembering. it is distracting everything in me and tearing everything i knew up at the seams. it feels like it happened last week you know, even though it was months ago. i know how much staring it in the eye will hurt and i am afraid for that.
i saw a counselor on thursday and she told me to try and disect the ‘big ball of emotion’ i feel now after remembering what happened.
i said i feel hurt that he would do that to me and take that from me. betrayed because i never thought that he was capable of it; i thought he respected me and i thought he knew me, understood me. i thought he knew i was valuable. confused because even if i tried to talk with him about it and explain how angry with him i am, he wouldn’t get it - he doesn’t see it for what it was because he is so screwed up. he would not be able to understand that it was rape, just like i couldn’t see it until i had to be told over and over of the definition of rape. i am incredibly sad and bitter about the fact that he took the value of sex from me. he took it and i don’t know how to get it back because it seems to be obscured now, like i can’t see the beauty of it as clearly and vividly as i once could. i feel used. unbelievable and indescribably used.
and all of this eats at me every second of the day. i cannot concentrate on anything in church except for the times when i am singing. i cannot be open with my mother about it, because i am scared to be this vulnerable to her - i don’t want it to break her knowing that this happened. i cannot focus on homework. i don’t want to be at home. i don’t. i don’t want to be here. i want to be anywhere, anywhere but this room with that bed glaring at me.
the only place i can feel safe and completely human lately is with michael. thank God for him.
i hate that all of those emotions are unceasingly at the forefront of everything right now and i hate even more than even though i recognize that, i cannot seem to rid myself of them.
it is hard to see purpose through this. i mean i know there is a purpose, i have no doubt about that. but even though i know it, i don’t feel it. at all. stuck in the middle of this stupid storm i feel like the winds will never, ever let up.
“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”—Louise Erdrich (via kari-shma)
the last few days have been a culmination of emotions that i haven’t allowed myself to feel in a very, very long time.
something happened at the beginning of this past summer. it shocked me to the core. i didn’t know how to handle it, and so i didn’t. i shoved it down into nothingness and very quickly there was no more effort required to push it down anymore - i had successfully forgotten. of course i wasn’t aware that i was doing this, and the whole process lasted only the hours that i slept that night. i say this because the next day, i did not remember. it was never spoken of, ever. my mind had made every subconscious effort to forget and it succeeded.
until two nights ago.
it is surreal, you know. studying psychology and now experiencing how it feels to uncover a repressed memory. being unsure of what to do with all the emotion and bitterness is unlike any weight on my shoulders i have ever experienced.
today i was told that i am valuable. i knew this, oh i knew this well. but at the beginning of the summer, someone jaded my perception of value and took my choice of giving love. instead, he used it.
he used it.
and today i was told that it was not my fault. today i was told that i am a woman with dignity and beauty and immense value and that no one, not even he, can take that from me. today i was told that i can create beauty from all that weight of emotion. today, i was reminded that i am strong in my weakness, and that i can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
“You can try and hold me back. Build your damn walls, pack sandbags along the edges and yell at the clouds and the rain and the sky to stop. But I will not relent. I will reach you. Because I am the sea. And I will continue to love you no matter what.”—Anonymous (via tierneylee)